What Do Depressed People Look Like to Those Who Aren’t Depressed?

Here’s my story – the day I nearly killed myself.

I planned it all out meticulously. Some exam results were being released that day. I wanted everyone to think I killed myself because of them. Not because of my parents and the abuse I endured at home.

As I went to school for what I assumed would be the last time, I hoped none of my friends would notice the depressed state I was in.

We went on a field trip. It was fun.

It was to a factory. Where packed meals were made. The students went inside in batches.

Being seniors, we were the last batch. So we decided to play Truth or Dare before we were called in.

One of the boys (Andy) was dared to tell a female teacher that her hair smelled nice and to ask her what brand of shampoo she uses.

He did it.

Our group was howling and the teacher’s group was giggling. The teacher’s eyes grew wide with confusion as he spoke to her and Andy walked back without a hint of shame on his face.

I laughed too.

Even though my whole body was in pain and my mind was a warzone, I still laughed.

Although I didn’t participate, I enjoyed the game. Then we returned to class for our results.

Before we were called in all my classmates were vibrating with nervousness.

Andy looked at my face and said:

“Look at PRISCA, she’s so confident. He’ll probably get better results than us all”.

They had no fucking clue.

Perfect.

We received the results. The score was perfect. Just high enough to be acceptable but just low enough to be disappointing.

I was actually genuinely disappointed, but I didn’t care too much. I was going to be dead anyway tomorrow.

I went home, locked myself in my room and waited for the right moment.

Just before I did it, I wanted something to remind me of my childhood. So I watched an episode of Pokemon.

I laughed again.

It was a pretty fun episode. I wanted to simply enjoy my last moments on Earth.

In the end, I ended up not going through with it and staying another day. But that’s a story for later.

To this day, people still see me as that smart, confident, quiet, sweet guy who everyone likes.

But I’m not.

I’m a lonely, selfish, awful, miserable human specimen.

No one knows how much pain I was in that day.